From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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