my phone needs a breathalizer
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
so much tequila, so little girl.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
