Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
