the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
how does that bad decision feel?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
