dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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