My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
