i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
