I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
