if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
