You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
