So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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