You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
