Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
