Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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