Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
