I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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