last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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