her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
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We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
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I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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