I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
