I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
