woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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