first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
