goodnight i made you a song goodbye
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
