Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
