Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
