I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
