he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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