when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
