Pants 0. Shit 1.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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