I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
