At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
