I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
