So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
