I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
