I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
