Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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