I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
