the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
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When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
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I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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