I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize