I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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