i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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