So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
