At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
