You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
