I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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