I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
