I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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