Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
