Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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