Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
