2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
