How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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