Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
