I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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