My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
