I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
