I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
