weddingsv make me drug and hornr
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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