4 words: hood of his car
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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